That’s right, it’s dance school season at the theatre. What does this mean, you ask? Picture this.

10 local dance schools
Multiplied by
an average of 100 kids between the ages of 4 and 16
Multiplied by
one rehearsal and one concert each
Multiplied by
the 10 or 15 Top 40 songs that will be overused by each dance school

What does it really mean? It’s the nightmarish screams of small children running (or attempting to run) riot in a theatre full of  dark corners, small hidey holes and things that if the wrong lever is pulled can kill you. It’s a run of shows where the teachers (for the most part) have little or no concept of how to present a quality performance.

Little things like accurate cues from a stage manager disappear completely. In professional theatre, cues are generally called in a specific manner. e.g.

“Standby CD Track 12″
“Standby Lighting Cue 15″
“Lighting Cue 15….GO!”
“CD Track 12…GO!”

It’s simple to follow, it’s very specific as to when the cue actually is meant to happen (in fact I once got yelled at by a stage manager for going on the “G” in go and not waiting for the “O”) and there is prior warning so that everyone is ready.

Instead with dance schools we get the following.

“Music……..”
“Music…….”
To which I reply “Is that a go?”
“YES MUSIC GO!!!!”
“Bring the lights up! Pick up Sarah in the followspot!” (Remembering that we have no idea who Sarah is, and if they mentioned that she is the one in the pink leotard while everyone else is in purple it might be easier)

And so on, and so forth, for the next 4 weeks.

Now, while some male readers might be thinking, “Wow, hot girls in lycra who are so flexible that they can bend over backwards and lick their own ankles. That sounds great!”. Take a second to really think about what we watch each night. First there are the dancers who are obviously too young to look at. That’s easy. Then the senior classes come up. Now you have 10 to 30 girls on stage. Some may be old enough, some aren’t, most of them you can’t tell either way and therefore end up avoiding looking at any of them lest you be considered some kind of pervert.

And just when you look on the run sheet and see the adult class coming up, you realise the true disappointment that awaits you. You see, when young girls really want a career in dancing, they tend to stay fit and trim, and they also go and find jobs as showgirls, professional ballet dancers, or strippers. (Don’t say that strippers aren’t talented dancers, they work hard for the money)

Meanwhile, back at the dance show, the adult class is populated by middle aged women who, lets face it, have had a few kids, are not quite the gorgeous young things that they were 15 - 25 years ago, and are really only dancing for something to get them out of the house one night a week.

And so, a potential hottie fest is quickly reduced to the 3 girls that you know for sure are over 18.

Yes, the truth hurts. My job for the next 4 weeks is to not look at women, listen to music that I generally hate, get frustrated over every missed or miscalled cue, attempt to show amazement at the terrible attempts at scenery that the schools arrive with, and to dream of the Dr Hook show that I am mixing mid way through the dance season that will get me my rock and roll fix.

I would still rather be doing this than working in a bank, though. I can take some solace in that.