New Year’s Eve. A traditional party night. A night to spend with friends, perhaps meet new ones, drink more than you should, and generally enjoy yourself. This year my friends and I went out to a local pub to party and it gave me a wonderful chance to do some people watching.

You see, there are a few distinct types of people at a New Years celebration. There are the “Party with friends” group, the “Pick up random members of the opposite sex” group and the “Get as drunk as physically possible” group. The first and the last group are probably the least interesting to watch. They are either oblivious to the crowds around them as they chat with friends, or they are constantly in line at the bar attempting to drink the annual production of a brewery.

The second group is the really interesting type to observe. These people have an agenda from the moment they arrive. Friends are just accessories that make them appear interesting, alcohol is a means to buy or be bought drinks, and the crowd is nothing more than a target rich environment.

The males of this group will prowl the crowd like a lion hunting it’s prey. They hunt alone or in pairs, never more than that. The prey is easily spooked and the male of the group understands this. He knows that to approach a lone female with a large group of men at his side does two things. Firstly it intimidates the girl, and secondly, every extra man reduces his chance of attracting the prey. Even a large group of women can only ever be approached by at most two men. It’s statistically important to keep the ratio high.

The males will buy drinks, chat about inane subjects which they have no interest in, and generally attempt to appear as attractive and interesting as possible. They understand that drinks equal money, inane subjects infer listening skills and that all these things in the celebration environment are highly prized by the females.

The prime targets are generally the most attractive, closely followed by, as the night wears on, by the drunkest.

The women are far more devious in their attraction game. They know that they are the prey of every man in the place. Because of this, they have developed an anti-hunt to counter the male’s plans.

They lay in wait, affecting an air of helplessness and thirst, waiting for each marauding group of men to arrive, ply them with free alcohol and attempt to sway their preference. They have many defenses prepared. A trip to the bathroom never to return, a friend that needs help on the other side of the pub, a proffered phone number that turns out to be the local chinese restaurant. Any one of these can provide them with a perfect escape plan so that they can lay in wait elsewhere for the next unsuspecting man to try his attack.

It’s a game that, on New Year’s Eve, has a defined cut off point. Midnight. Both groups want only one thing, someone to share a New Year kiss at the zero hour. After that moment the game reverts to a standard night out and people stop trying as hard.

So, which group did I join on New Year’s Eve? The start of the evening was definitely “Partying with friends”. The end of the night, before I even knew it, ended up as “Getting as drunk as possible”. I contemplated joining the hunt, but after an hour or so of playing wingman to friends, I discovered that as I get older, I become less tolerant of drunk women. I can’t stand banal small talk, and I hate the games.

I went home alone, I have no midnight tale to tell. I did have a huge hangover. I now know even more about the type of person I am looking for, and I am 99% certain that I will never meet that person in a bar. A night well spent, in my opinion.